Savior
by Lucylyles
Summary: Allen's become depressed, and only Kanda notices it. As Allen continues his downward spiral and begins to transform into a Noah, will Kanda be able to find a way to save him? Kanda's POV.
1. Let Me be Your Savior

Allen Walker. The beautiful white-haired destroyer of time… He's always smiling, though I've come to learn that the smile that he wears is a façade. It's not his true, lively, heart-lifting smile… The smile that I miss seems to have gone away, and has yet to return…

He looks up at me, his façade in full swing as he grins and gives a small, fake chuckle as we head to Germany for our next assignment. He used to show his true smile, but lately, he's been breaking. I can tell, though it seems that nobody else, not even Lenalee, can. I don't understand it. How can they not see it? How can they not feel it? His demeanor, his attitude, even his appearance have changed. His aura spits feelings of pain and sorrow, his reflections of life much more pessimistic than they used to be. He is much less talkative and much less sociable than he used to be. His body has become thin and he has bags under his eyes, showing his lack of eating and his lack of sleep.

"Kanda, you okay? You haven't insulted me once during this trip so far," the cursed boy quietly speaks, breaking the silence. I glance over at him with my usual glare, stopping and gazing at him. His Exorcist uniform is zipped, and his hood is up, casting shadows over his pale face and hair. His eyes reflect the same sorrow and pain as his aura, though they also emit some worry. He gazes at me curiously as I turn to face him.

"The question, Bean-Sprout, is whether or not you're okay." At this statement, Allen tilts his head, his god-awful fake smile widening.

"What do you mean? I'm just fine, like I always am."

"Stop lying!" I yell, finally letting my worry and anger break through my skin. I push him, pinning him to a tree, my hands on either side of the smaller male's head. He gazes up at me with some fear as I glare back. "You haven't been okay at all lately! Something's bothering you, and whatever it is, it's hurting you! Do you really think that I haven't noticed?! I'm not dense like the others, Short-Stack. You haven't been eating, you haven't been sleeping, and you've barely been speaking at all to anyone!" The boy beneath me is stunned, and I know that I struck a nerve when I see tears begin to well in his eyes and fall down his cheeks. I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself, and I speak again, my tone softer this time.

"What's going on?" I ask him. "What's hurting you? What happened to the stupidly-happy Shorty that me and everyone else knew?" I gently place my hand under his chin, carefully forcing him to look into my eyes with his reddened mercury orbs that were filled with his salty tears.

"Kanda…" he finally murmurs, his voice cracking. He looks away again after pushing my hand away from his face. "I… I'm alright. Nothing's going on…"

"Then explain your tears." The prophesized boy looks up at me again with his hurt-filled gaze, averting his eyes and biting his lip as he thinks of how to answer me.

"I… Lately, I…" he tries to speak, but stops as he inhales deeply, gathering his courage to let down one of his walls for me to see what lies beyond it. Patiently I wait, when finally, he opens his mouth again. "Kanda, lately I've been… thinking of… killing myself…" My eyes widen, and he continues, trembling. "I want to die, Kanda… I-I want to die…"

"But… Why…?" I can hardly believe it, and my voice, soft and quiet, amplifies the emotions that my expression shows. Surprise. Shock. Pain. Worry. I was at a loss for words…

"Because… I can't handle living the way I have been anymore, Kanda… I can just feel everyone's fear… Their hatred… Their malice… I feel it when they laugh at me with their eyes, when they cringe back when I try to get near them. I understand when I hear them whispering about me, slicing me open with their insults and words of hate… They want me to die just as much as I want me to die, Kanda… Because of what I am…"

"You're NOT a Noah, Allen. And nobody wants you to die, either." The boy laughed darkly at my words.

"You're wrong. You're never around at the order anymore because of how many missions you've been getting. You don't see the looks they give me. You don't hear their whispers. You don't-!" I couldn't handle listening to him speak anymore so I covered his lips with mine. His eyes were wide, and stayed that way even as I pulled away.

"Even if what you say is true, I don't want you to die, Allen," I say, using his name, "I love you even though you hate yourself." He gazed up at me with shock, murmuring a response.

"Kanda… I'm sorry… But, I won't be human for much longer, and-"

"Like Hell, Allen. I'll do everything that I can to make sure you never become a Noah. You have to believe in me. I will become your savior."

**_Well, this is chapter one of a decent-sized fic I'm starting... It's not going to be a very happy story, so beware!_**


	2. My Feelings for You

It had been normal at the Order until the white-haired boy came along. I remember that day, a day like any other – I happened to be back at the Order after completing a mission. The gatekeeper mistook the snow-hair as an Akuma due to the curse that he carried, and so I had attacked the smaller male. Upon discovering that he truly was an Exorcist, I blew him off as I had with everyone else upon meeting them, believing him to be an ordinary boy.

I was quite mistaken.

He was far from an ordinary boy. He was born with a parasite-type Anti-Akuma weapon as his arm, Innocence embedded in his hand. His hair was as pure as fresh snow, though it was caused by his unfortunate curse. His cursed eye could see the souls of Akuma, and he sought to free them of their chains and save them from their suffering. He fought for everyone and everything but himself.

He put his life on the line for the weak, sick, and the wounded. He put his life on the line for animals. He put his life on the line for **me**. I appreciated that he didn't let me die and all, but it truly bothered me. I would've left him to die if I was in his position, but he felt the need to save me, risking death in order to do so. His warm smile was kind and caring, a naïve and blissful aura around him as he protected me, the Innocence which had taken the form of a living doll, and her human companion. If it weren't for his 'savior-complex,' I probably wouldn't be here today.

Truly, I wanted to hate him. And for a while, I did. He was too naïve, too stupid to be doing a job like the one that we Exorcists were doing. His attitude, I thought, was sure to get him killed within days. And that bothered me. Everything about him bothered me, and my lack of understanding of him only worsened my annoyance and frustration. What was up with him? This Exorcist named Allen Walker?

For days, I contemplated. Then, those days turned to weeks. I was distracted while I was on missions, my mind clouded with thoughts of him, of why he was the way he was. Thoughts of his odd kindness towards all. Thoughts of his smile, which reflected the light of the sun to all he blessed with the kind sight as though he was the gentle moon. I found myself yearning to see that smile, that smile which out-shone all the heavens with its beauty. I wanted to be graced by his kind presence, for his gentle aura and voice to wrap around me and fill me with the strength to continue fighting day after day. I wanted to see his happy tears as yet another Akuma was released to make its way back to God. I wanted to hold him and comfort him in the event that he cried out of pain and sorrow, to let my hands run through his silky hair. I wanted to be the one to make his smile return to him, to be the one to make his pains, sorrows, and fears dissipate.

And because of my thoughts, I began to think of myself as insane. How could I feel such a way for such a wimpy little Bean-Sprout? What were my feelings towards him, anyways? What did they mean? I knew that I had this unquenchable thirst to be near him, to touch him, to see him and to hear him. Were these budding emotions inside of me my desires to befriend the boy? Or were they something… more? My desire to be with him was certainly unnatural, especially for me. And I felt that my wishes to touch and hold him, my wishes to attack any who hurt him or made him cry were maybe a little too extreme for simple feelings of friendship. So what were these feelings that I had begun to develop for the boy? Maybe… Maybe they were love.

I remember when I first realized that these feelings that I had for him were indeed the ones known as 'love.' I was eating in the Mess Hall, my usual lunch of soba. Allen was eating at a table across from mine, sitting with and laughing with Lenalee. The two of them seemed close… I remember how strange it made me feel when I thought that maybe the two were a pair.

Jealousy, perhaps?

I watched them, biting my bottom lip as my feelings of anger and disgust grew in the pit of my stomach. It felt absolutely awful to watch him with a potential love-interest, seeming to enjoy her company greatly and knowing that it wasn't my company that he was being entertained with. Quite frankly, I wanted to punch a wall. I wanted to stand up and walk over to them, to pick up the Shorty and to sling him over my shoulder, to take him as far away from everyone else as possible. I wanted to lock him away to keep him all to myself.

When I realized my thoughts, I gasped, blushing from the embarrassment that they made me feel. I definitely wanted Allen as more than a friend. And I definitely felt much more than friendship towards him. I had feelings of lust and what was probably love for him, my mind only capable of thinking of him and my heart pounding quickly whenever I even heard his voice or saw a picture of him. I groaned, placing a palm on my head.

How could this happen? How could I come to love an idiot like Allen Walker? He was clumsy, overemotional, cursed, and for God's sake, he was male! For me to love another man… I groaned again.

"…What on Earth is wrong with me?"

_**Chapter two! I hope you guys like it. For suggestions, advice, or even just a simple thought that you'd like to express to me, please review!**_


	3. Attempt at Confession

After realizing that I loved him, I gazed at the snow-haired boy intently from across the Mess Hall. Lenalee had finished eating and had gotten up to take care of her dishes. Allen remained seated, finishing his many plates of food as he waited for her to return. When she did, he smiled upon her arrival. I bit my lip again, standing upright quickly and angrily, grabbing my food tray to have it washed off. I couldn't handle it. It made me so angry to see him so happy due to someone else's presence when it wasn't my presence that caused that happiness. I left, my usual scowl on my lips as I walked through the Order. However, anger also adorned my facial features, and the others in the halls saw this, doing their best to get out of my way.

Were Allen and Lenalee together? Were they a couple? These thoughts swirled through my head as I made it to my room, opening my door and slamming it shut after I walked inside. I went over to my bed and turned my back to it, flopping down onto the mattress. As I stared up at the ceiling, I forced myself to calm down, my thoughts turning to how it would feel to have him in my arms. He couldn't be going out with Lenalee; after all, they were only friends, right? As I was reassuring myself that Allen was indeed single, a rare grin made its way onto my face.

He was single. He wasn't paired with anyone romantically. I had a chance.

But… How would I go about my normal life at the Order with these feelings? If I was jealous by the mere fact that he was enjoying spending time with a friend, how would I react if he actual got himself a lover? I didn't want to imagine what kind of monster I'd be in a case like that. I'd probably bully the Shorty's lover and mock the Bean-Sprout even more than I already did. I shuddered at the thought. An insult every so often when I saw him was fine. That had become normal for us. But if I were to hiss insults at him constantly, he'd probably actually begin to doubt himself and might become disheartened. So, what was I to do? I had to do something to ensure that that would never happen. I had to make a move, to get with him before anyone else had a chance to.

But how…?

After a long while of contemplating, I sighed, standing from my bed with a slight embarrassed blush on my cheeks. How do people normally confess their feelings to the one whom they admire? And if I was to confess, what would I do if he rejected me? How would I react if he actually accepted? This was a very bothersome and troublesome matter that I had to figure out how to deal with on my own, and quickly. The sooner I had my feelings and thoughts sorted out in my head, the better. And I was **not** going to ask for help, particularly not from Lavi, even if he definitely knew more about this love crap than I did. I knew that I had to be romantic. But how does someone be romantic? Flowers? I didn't have anything fancy to wear, but… Flowers. Flowers should work. I think.

I left my room, leaving to head to the town that stood underneath the mountain where the Black Order was located. There might not be flowers around the Order's vicinity, but there should be some in that town… A flower shop, at least, if there were no wildflowers.

But what kind of flowers did Allen remind me of? If I was getting him flowers, I wanted them to be special. Especially since I was going to try to confess my feelings to him. I knew that I wanted them to be lightly-colored, because he was gentle, and I wanted the flowers to appear just as gentle as he was. Pinks, blues, whites, and purples would be good. The flower had to have a happy and kind appearance; it had to look as though it was smiling. Beautiful, gentle, and smiling. Just like Allen…

Lilacs and lilies…? Yes! Those two flowers were perfect for him! They complimented him in every way! When I got to the town, I searched around, finding a little flower shop. To my delight, they had light pink, blue, and white stargazer lilies and some light-purple lilacs. I selected several of the stargazers and rimmed the bouquet of lilies with the lilac, having the shop owner wrap them in white tissue paper and tie them all with a red ribbon.

Flowers? Check. Confession? …Getting there. I made my way back to the Order once I had purchased the bouquet, trying to go over it in my head. I would stop him and tell him that I wanted to go on a date or something with him, handing him the flowers as I did so. But, knowing me… That would probably never work. It was too straightforward; if it was about any other topic, like Allen's stupidity, I could be straightforward, but this was about my feelings. And unless it was my anger or annoyance, I wasn't used to showing my emotions to others, let alone sharing my feelings with others. This was going to be rather difficult, just as I thought.

I make my way through the Order, searching for the Short-Stack, Researchers, Finders, and Exorcists alike all watching me with surprise-filled gazes as I walked around, carrying the beautiful arrangement of flowers with me. I glared at all of them, and they quit their staring. I found myself in front of Allen's room before long, and I knocked, feeling agitated and a little nervous. After a moment of waiting, the cursed boy opened the door.

"Oh! Kanda…? What are you doing here?" he asked, the surprise evident in his voice.

I shoved the bouquet at him, looking off to the side, my face feeling hot. I was probably redder than a rose.

"I got these for you," I mumbled, my voice sounding more annoyed and angry than I had intended it to. "I thought that maybe a weak little kid like you would need something to brighten up his day." Without waiting for a response, I began to walk away. I was so embarrassed! And I was such an idiot! Even I knew that I sounded mean and insulting when I gave those to him! Suddenly, from behind me, I heard him call after me.

"Kanda!" I turned, seeing that he was just barely out of his doorway and seeing him smile with a slight hue of pink on his cheeks as he held the flowers.

"…What?" I managed to say, my breath almost completely taken by his beauty.

"I said thanks. They're really pretty. And looking at them," he stated, passing his gaze to the flowers, "They really do cheer me up. You might be a jerk, but… I guess that you really can be nice sometimes, huh?"

"Che, whatever," I murmured back as an answer. I was so… happy? Mostly embarrassed, but I think that I felt happy. It wasn't perfect, and I can't say that I got my feelings through to him, but… That wasn't a bad first try, I don't think.

_**Chapter three! This story's moving along pretty quickly. This chapter was kind of hard to figure out how to write, but I think I did an okay job with it. I'm trying to post in this fic as often as possible; I don't like leaving people hanging! I hope that you enjoyed this chapter! For anything you'd like to say to me, please Review!**_


	4. Friendship

Things went on like this between Allen and I for weeks – he would be sad about something and I would bring him flowers. I tended to stay with Lilacs and Lilies for him, though I did occasionally give him other types of flowers, like Queen Anne's Lace, Lavender, and Bellflowers. Most of the time I gave them to him in person, but when I lacked the courage to see him, like when I could hear him crying from behind his room's door, I would leave the flower's next to the door. I may have been getting better with my feelings and my understanding of them, but understanding other people's, especially the Short-Stack's, was still a skill that I could not comprehend having. I wanted to comfort him, of course. But I just didn't know how to do that. Plus… I'm afraid of what I might do to him in his moment of weakness. My feelings for him, lust included, have only grown over these past couple flower-giving months. And I didn't want to take advantage of him.

Then came the day when he opened the door when I was leaving the flowers. Like many other occasions, I didn't want to knock, because I had heard his cries.

"…Kanda," he spoke, sounding surprised as he wiped away his tears. "What are you…" He looked me up and down, finally resting his eyes on the flowers in my hands, then casting his gaze up onto my surprised expression.

"I knew it was you," he smiled, giggling slightly. "The flower's, I mean. I wanted to thank you… They've really been cheering me up. Especially with how many people have been dying recently…" Tears welled up in his eyes, and I began to internally panic.

"...Don't cry," I managed to muster, my voice sounding angry as per usual, "It's embarrassing and unbecoming of an Exorcist like you, who works for the Black Order and destroys Akuma, to cry."

"You're right…" The snow-haired boy sighed and scratched the back of his head, seeming to try to say something more, but I decided to beat him to it.

"Why don't we go for a walk? Through the forest or the town below the Order. You look like you need some time away from reality, Bean-Sprout." He blinked, his face turning from despair to a look of astonishment. I felt heat rise in my cheeks as he stared, knowing in my heart that he probably didn't understand that I had inadvertently asked him out on what I think people call a 'date.'

After what seemed like forever, a smile spread across his lips; I had to look away to keep myself from going soft for him. "Sure, Kanda," he murmured. "I think I'd like that." He chuckled at my amazed appearance, walking up in front of me, reminding me of just how small he was.

"You really are very kind, Kanda. You've been doing a lot to cheer me up, and I truly appreciate it. You've given me more flowers than I can count, and now you're offering to take me away for a while to help me relax; I can't even begin to express my gratitude. I really have come to think of you as one of my closest friends, believe it or not." At this, I pause, paralyzed and stunned by his kind and hope-provoking, yet heart-piercing words. I was in his circle of friends now; I'll be honest, I never even thought that I'd make it this far with him. I never thought that I'd be able to get him to welcome me as a friend. But even with how happy I was, I couldn't help but feel a little disheartened, because I was **just **a friend to him.

"…Forest or town, Shrimp?"

"Forest. And my name's Allen."

"Che. Forget it. You'll be tiny your whole life."

"Will not!"

"If you haven't grown any taller by now, then you never will."

We argued somewhat playfully as we went to the elevator that was to take us down to the bottom of the Order's cliff, and exited as we continued to say 'yes' or 'no' as we went on in our cute little fight. When we finally made it out, I could see some relief immediately make its way onto Allen's face. I smiled slightly, though I looked away.

"The forest isn't too far from here, as you can see. Stay close to me or your stupidity might get you lost," I spoke to him, grinding my teeth after I said the last part. I didn't mean to say it! It just slipped out! I really wasn't trying to be mean or insulting towards him! He puffed out his cheeks, appearing to be a little mad due to my last comment, and honestly, I didn't blame him for his frustrations. I was an idiot when it came to words and I knew it.

Even so, he stayed near to me. I couldn't help but go red in the face as I lead him around, showing him the different trees and ferns that were all around us. And when we saw a deer, dancing and prancing around and away when it saw us, I couldn't help but think of how much it reminded me of the Shorty. Just like a deer, Allen was beautiful and graceful. Just like a deer, Allen was kind and gentle. Just like a deer, Allen seemed small and fragile. Just like a deer, Allen resembled the wonders of nature and the beauty and simplicity of flowers.

Just like the flowers and the deer, Allen brought a smile to my face and happiness to my heart. And though our walk was short-lived, it was satisfying, because I was able to find out that Allen thought of me as a friend and because I was able to spend time with him and help him to relax after crying over the dead and lost.

Maybe next time, I'll tell him how I feel. And maybe, just maybe, he will feel the same.

_**Hey guys, sorry this took so long. DX I've been pretty busy with schoolwork and with cleaning my home; it seems that I'll be moving soon. Not to mention that it was hard to figure out how I wanted to write this chapter. Anyways, please review and let me know what you think!**_


	5. A Silent Sound

It's been a week since Allen and I had our walk in the forest below the Order. And though it pains me to say it, I must say it. I miss him. I haven't seen him since our walk. I haven't seen him since I dropped him off at his room, seeming a little more chipper than before I asked him to accompany me on our walk. I haven't seen him since he was sent out on a mission. And it's driving me absolutely crazy.

It pains me even more to say that I'm worried about him, but, again, it has to be said. He's such an idiotic little bean sprout – who knows what kind of mess he'll get himself into. He always puts his life at risk like the idiot that he is for other people, whether he knows them personally or not. He disregards his safety and health far more often than he should. If it were up to me, he'd stay indoors. Eternally. He'd never be allowed out of his room, which would be made of soft cushions and cornerless, soft and rubbery furniture. But I'm sure that even then he'd find a way to hurt himself. I don't even understand how he does it, but he always manages to get hurt.

At this moment, I'm in my room, pacing. I bite my lip, wondering what exactly the short stack is up to. Fighting? Eating? Sleeping? Maybe traveling back home, with Innocence in hand? I hope that it's the last one. Then I could try to get my feelings across to him again. Maybe take him on another walk, with dinner this time. Suddenly, I sigh. I can't believe how pathetic I've become. How far gone am I? How enslaved am I to my feelings for the shorty named Allen Walker? For that pathetic, stupid, idiotic, horrid, cursed, snow-haired Exorcist named Allen Walker? I stop my pacing, facing a wall. After exhaling another long, drawn-out sigh, I lean forward, letting my forehead hit the wall with a thud. I stay like that for a long while.

Allen might be an idiot, but I must be a bigger idiot for loving him. Sure, he's cute as a kitten and his smile is as beautiful as a lotus with rays of moonlight seething from it, but still. I'm a big, pathetic, stupid idiot. How could I have let my feelings for him turn to love? When did they become love? I don't even know any more. His cute, foolish mannerisms must have brainwashed me. He stuck an arrow in my heart when I wasn't looking, and no matter what or how hard I try, I can't pull it out. I don't even want to pull it out anymore. I stopped wanting to when I decided that I'd try to confess to him.

A knock at my door wakes me from my stupor of thoughts. Lifting my forehead from the wall and shaking my head to clear it, I stand tall and straight as I always do when confronted with social interaction. I head to the door and open it, seeing Lenalee staring up at me with a frantic gaze in her eyes.

"Have you seen Allen?" she asked. I was surprised. He was on a mission. Didn't she know that? I recall her being his best friend.

"He's on a mission. Has been for a week," I reply to her, giving her my usual cold glare. She shook her head, confusing me further.

"He got back a while ago, and he was acting very strangely! He gave Komui the Innocence and said he was going to the Mess Hall, but he never showed! And no one can find him! He's been gone for two hours!" she hysterically spoke in quick sentences. My eyes widen slightly, and I fight to keep my gaze calm.

"Please, will you help us look for him?" she asks.

"Che," my usual response. "Since I have nothing to do," I keep my voice sounding slightly angry and annoyed, though it's hard. After she thanks me, I head out of my room, walking and looking around, keeping myself together since I'm under the eyes of the others in the halls of the Order. Then I remember that Lenalee said that people had been searching for him for around two hours – the Order is big, but with several people searching, and I'm guessing that there are many people searching, it's hard to believe that they haven't looked everywhere inside and around the Order's premises. Which means…

After about ten minutes, I'm in the town below the Order. I go to the flower shop first instinctively, picking up a sunflower, hoping that it would make the missing boy smile when I was to find him. After searching worriedly throughout the town, I start looking in the forest. It wasn't long before I saw a blotch of white, sitting next to a tree. I was about to call out to him when I noticed him trembling. I quietly make my way closer, and am surprised by what I see. He's… crying. The silent sound of his tears and sobs coursing through the air is almost deafening. All is quiet in the forest around us, and I just stare at him. Finally, I gather my courage and walk beside him, standing and leaning against the tree. Still, he doesn't notice me until I wag the sunflower lazily down in front of his face. His gasp of surprise was adorable, but I keep my straight face.

"Bean Sprout, why are you crying?" I question him.

"It's… It's nothing," he states, wiping away his tears and standing, a hand covering his right eye. "I just don't feel well."

"You're lying…" I mumble, a little angry. I hand him the sunflower, which he smiles a little at through his tears.

"I thought that you would need a little sunshine to brighten your day," I say before he can ask about the flower. To this, he giggles, but his hand stays over his eye.

"It's beautiful…" he murmurs quietly. "It's so bright and hopeful, Kanda. It's kind of cute."

"Why are you covering your eye?" Silence. "Staying silent and hiding it won't help you or any of us worriers, Shorty." Again, silence. He stares down at the ground, biting his lip with a worried, scared, sad look in his uncovered eye. Irritated and fed up, I reach out, roughly grabbing the hand hiding his eye, and I pull it away. I'm stunned by what I see, stumbling back. He watches me, the fear growing in his expression. He turns from me, beginning to run, but I grab his arm and pull him to me, holding him.

"Kanda, let go!" he cries, squirming.

"No! Not until you tell me why your damn skin around your eye is grey!" He struggles a little bit more, but finally falls limp in my grasp, sobbing and crying silently yet again as he thinks of what to say, of how to answer.

"On my last mission, I ran into the Earl and the Noah," he begins. My eyes grow huge at the statement. "I fought with them a bit. But they were, for some reason, careful not to hurt me. They just kept laughing each time I tried to attack. Then, Road said something weird like "Why are you attacking your own family," and they fled. After I got back to my hotel and looked in a mirror, I noticed… this. They… Kanda, they called me a Noah."

I tremble, staring down at him with my wide eyes, still not letting him go. But I'm not trembling out of fear. I'm not shaking from anger. I'm just… Shocked. Disbelieving. Hoping that what he said isn't true.

Allen Walker, the one I've come to love so much – a powerful, idiotic, clumsy, short little Exorcist – a Noah?

Please, if there is a God, let this be a joke. A cruel, sick joke. Not Allen. Anyone but Allen. Don't let him become a Noah. Don't let him become a monster. Don't let him become my enemy.

_**First off, everyone, I'm really sorry that this chapter took so long. Not only did it take a LOT of thought and time to actually write, but life has been getting rather busy and rough. Finals were tough, I've had lots of award ceremonies to go to, and now graduation is tomorrow. Up next are the open houses that I'm going to and moving with my family. I don't enjoy giving excuses, but these life occurrences have been plaguing my time, for which I really do apologize.**_


	6. The Voices in His Head

It was hard to persuade Allen to return with me to the Order. He made me stop by a doctor and have his gray skin covered with bandages before allowing me to lead him back. The whole time, he was silent – that is, until we actually got to his room. He turned to me, and for the first time, I saw his façade. I saw the pain in his gaze, right through the fake smile that he wore. It stunned me.

"Thank you, Kanda. Don't tell anyone about this, okay? Who knows what they'd do to me if they found out…" Before I could say anything in reply, he turned away, slamming the door.

I reported that I found him to the worrying Lenalee on my way back to my room when she stopped and asked me. I told her that he just needed to be alone for a while, and was really tired. I lied, saying that he had left to go someplace that was quiet and had fresh air to try to combat a migraine that he was having. The taste of the lie stayed in my mouth until I got to my room, and I hated it. Lying was one of my least favorite things, right up top with seeing Allen in pain and the thought of him becoming an enemy. I bit my bottom lip until it bled, scrunching my eyebrows as I thought. Why the short stack? Why was he becoming a… No. He wasn't becoming a Noah. He was just… Sick. Yes, that's it. Sick. Nothing more.

I was in complete denial. I couldn't help it, though. The thought of the cute little bean sprout becoming my enemy was just too much for me to handle. I had enough to worry about as it was. Missions, trying to confess, worrying, caring… My plate was full. And it was mentally exhausting to be feeling so much. And I was only feeling all of these emotions because of him. God knows how he made me this way.

For several days, Allen remained in his room. My worry was only growing, along with my feelings of irritation and annoyance. The idiot wasn't even eating! I headed down to the mess hall, ordering several plates of random foods, carrying them all up to the shorty's room. After knocking, I hear a clink and some hurried rustling. After a few long minutes of waiting, the door opens a crack. He looks at me with his good eye through the crack, opening the door completely when he sees that it's just me and a bunch of food, and I smirk when I hear his stomach growl. But when I see him after he opened the door, I have a bad feeling.

He's covering his face with a mask, and he's wearing a rather heavy sweater.

I walk in, and after I do, I notice how quick he is to shut the door. I turn to him, questions rolling off of my tongue as I set the plates down. "What's with the mask, and what's with the sweater? It's summer, and, last I checked, you only needed an eye patch for the gray." He sighs, taking off the face-hiding garment without even arguing.

I'm silent. The entire right side of his face is now gray, as if his skin was infected with some kind of rotting bacteria. He smiles at me grimly after noticing my reaction.

"Isn't it ugly? Look, Kanda. I'm a monster."

I grit my teeth and glare at him. "You are nowhere **near** being as bad as a monster. The worst you can do is annoy me. A monster kills other people without thinking or regretting it."

"Well, I'm on my way to becoming a Noah. That's close enough to becoming a monster, isn't it?"

I growl at him. "**No**! You're just sick, that's all! You need food and rest. And you need to stop saying bad things about yourself."

He scoffs at the idea, taking a bite of what I brought up for him to eat.

"Everyone's worried, including me," I scold him, "And do you know how annoying that is?"

"Sorry to worsen your already permanent bad mood," he grumbles in response. My blood boils. I've had enough of this. I grab him by his wrists, pinning him down on his bed, glaring down at him, yelling.

"You're such an idiot! How do you think me and the others have been feeling ever since you locked yourself away?! Lenalee's a wreck, Lavi, Krory, and Miranda are all nervous, and I'm-! I'm…"

"You're what?" he asks defiantly.

"I'm just as bad as Lenalee," I grumble. He gazes up at me, his eyes big and his expression filled with surprise. "Bottom line is, we all want you back on your feet. We're all friends, even if I don't act like it. Even if I'm quiet and act like I hate you all almost as much as I hate Akuma, I really do care. And I'd appreciate it if the thought of us caring about you and worrying about you will get through your thick little skull and make it to your even smaller brain, because you need to think about how your actions are affecting us: your friends." He averts his eyes to stare at the wall on one of the sides of his bed.

"…Will you let go? My wrists are starting to hurt." This statement baffles me. I'm not even holding them down or squeezing them very hard… I am holding them firmly so that he can't get away, but – suddenly, a thought dawns on me.

Hurting wrists. Heavy sweater. Angry disposition. Depressed manner. It all makes sense. I let go, quickly grabbing hold of one of his arms and pulling the sleeve up. He cries in shock and retaliates, trying to shake me off. But it's too late. I saw. And I'm far more shocked than I was before, my eyes wider than moons.

"Why did you do that?!" he yells at me as though I've just done something horribly stupid. "Why did you-!"

"Why did **you **do **that**?!" I scream back at him, pointing to his wrists. He flinches, suddenly looking guilty. "You hurt yourself! I can't believe this! You cut yourself!"

"…I didn't…"

"You didn't what?! Don't tell me you didn't cut, I see the-!"

"I'm not saying that I didn't cut!" he interrupts, crying. "I'm saying that I didn't want anyone to see… I didn't want anyone to find out… Not you, not anyone…" he darkly, sadly laughs through his tears.

"I just didn't want to turn into a monster… I cut because it made the pain go away. I cut because it made me forget…"

I'm just watching him with my wide eyes, which moisten, but I hold back any tears that threaten to form. I'm listening to his reasoning, thinking of how I can reverse this damage that has been done to him, thinking of how I can make all of this pain end. That's when he suddenly screeches, falling swiftly to his knees, grasping and cradling his head. I'm by his side instantly, asking what's wrong, what's going on.

"**Go away**!" he cries. "**Make them go away**!" I hold him, fear clouding my ordinarily calm, irritated gaze. I search around, not understanding. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's causing him such pain.

"Make **what **go away?!" I ask in my stupor of horror. Finally, his fit of screams and terror ends, and he crumples into my arms, sobbing and completely limp. I hold him for a long while before he finally answers, looking up at me with a face filled with fear, agony, and pain**.**

"Kanda, ever since I started to change, they started to haunt me... They started to talk and call me the monster that I'm becoming… Please, make them go away…"

"Make what go away?" I ask again, my voice soft for once, as I am still in shock.

"The voices in my head…"

_**Well, this one was fun for me. I had a bit of trouble at first putting my idea for this chapter into words, but as soon as I had figured it out and started, it just flowed and, before I knew it, was finished. This story is going to keep getting darker, just to warn you. For thoughts, please review!**_


	7. Confessions

I've been visiting Allen every day. And every day, he seems to be worse than the day before. The gray of his skin has been spreading nonstop, and now it seems that his entire right side is infested with the wretched color. His manner has also been steadily declining.

Every time I come to see him, he's wearing long sleeves and a fox mask that he had gotten at a civilian festival on a mission, along with gloves. He tells me that he doesn't want anyone else to see the monster that he's becoming, and that he doesn't want me to have to look at the scars that he'd given to himself on the day that I found cuts on his wrists.

Something tells me that there are far more of them than there were then, but I'm too afraid to find out. After all, if my hunch is correct, what would I do? Yell at him and make him cry and more depressed than he already is? That's the last thing that I want. I don't want to worsen his situation. I don't want to harm his mentality any further than it already is. I don't want to get angry at him. I just want him to get better. I just want him to be okay.

I want Allen to survive. To live. To smile his true, bright, happy smile. I want to break down his façade, and make his grins real ones. I want to be the light to his growing darkness, to be the sun that will expel all of his fears.

No matter what, I don't want him, my precious flower, to wilt. I simply won't allow for him to fade, to lose all of his petals and die. I will save him.

"…Kanda…?" he speaks one day when I visit.

"Hmm?" He looks down at his feet, sitting on his bed beside me, his mask off. I blush a little when he leans against me, and I wrap my arm around him protectively. "What is it, short stack?"

"Why are you so nice to me? Even though… Even though I'm like this…?"

I look down at him, worry creasing my brow. "What do you mean? I'm your friend. I care about you. I'm sure that Lenalee, Lavi, and all the rest would be the same. You're still you, no matter what color your skin becomes."

He smiles a little in a wistful manner and shakes his head, sighing. "That's not what I meant…"

"Then what did you mean?"

Finally, he casts his gaze into my own. "I'm a monster, Kanda. Look at me. I'm becoming a Noah. And if our bosses find that out, which I'm sure they will soon… They'll kill me. And if they were to find out that you've known and have been helping me anyways… They might kill you, too. That's why I'm asking you why you're being so nice to me. I want to know why you, a supposedly cold-hearted samurai, would be risking his life for a monster like me," he murmurs, adding one last whisper, "Because I'm not worth it…"

I grind my teeth, thumping his head with an angry expression, scolding him. "Stupid! Of course you're worth it!"

"No I'm not! Nothing about a monster like me is worth the life of such a wonderful, kind, stoic, strong, great friend like you! You could have so much more, Kanda! You could have a family, and live a long, happy life! But if you keep treating me like I'm worth something instead of killing me, and the Order finds out… They'll kill you, too… Kanda, I don't want that… I don't want you to die…" he sobs, clinging to the side of my shirt. I groan and hold him closer, much to his dismay.

"You **are **worth it, Allen. You're worth more than every other life that this planet has to offer. To me, at least." I grow quiet, my blush and embarrassment intensifying along with my feelings of sorrow that were caused by the boy saying his life wasn't worth the kindness I was giving him. His sobbing stops, and he looks up at me through his tears, hiccupping a little. I look away, trying to calm my racing heart beat. He was so cute, even when he was miraculously changing color.

"What… What do you mean…?" he asks quietly.

"I mean that I don't want a family or life or anything like that unless you're in it." Finally, my feelings were coming out. The bean sprout stares at me with wide eyes as I continue.

"I mean that to me, you're worth more than every other life that has ever been lived, or is being lived. I mean that to me, you are precious, beautiful, and wonderful. I mean that, to me, you are everything."

"…K-Kanda…?"

"I love you, Allen." The white-haired boy's tears stop completely, and he gazes at me with his wide, open, moon-like eyes. He trembles slightly as he watches me, though I do not move or look at him as I try to hide my reddening face.

"…You… Love me…?"

"More than anything."

He seems to contemplate this, and I grow nervous from the silence, finally gaining the courage to look at him. Water droplets line his closed eyes, and he smiles. A true, happy smile. He leans against me, nuzzling into my chest.

"Thank you, Kanda… I… I love you, too… I have for a long time, I just never thought that… That you ever would feel the same…" My own eyes widen and I smile a little, folding my arms around him and holding him as close to me as I can without crushing him. My stomach felt odd, kind of… Fluttery. My heart soared, and I leaned to kiss his forehead.

"I have always loved you," I murmur. "And I always will."

_**Busy, busy, busy. My life has been on the role. I'm glad that I finally had a chance to write, and I apologize for the wait! I felt it was time to get this chapter done. XD Cuteness overload! The time had finally come for Kanda's feelings to be shared! Please Review and tell me what you think! I love hearing from my readers! It keeps me feeling like I don't suck at writing.**_


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